Yesterday was a bad day for me, as you can read on that post if you wish .
I was in a very bad place.
I haven’t been in that bad of a place for a long time.
I didn’t really calm down much either.
My brain wouldn’t shut up and I felt too anxious to get any decent sleep.
I even had my sound machine on and set to thunderstorm.
I purchased it from Amazon for $20.
Usually that and the lights from the television calm me enough to allow for some rest.
It didn’t work!
Finally, I found a marathon of Wahlburgers (of all things) and it did the trick!
I suppose that because I grew up with Donnie in New Kids on the Block and watch him on Blue Bloods, his voice is calming to me?
I was finally able to rest for a couple of hours.
I didn’t realize it through my haze of anxiety, but I had scared my boyfriend.
He and I have been together for almost six years.
We are 100% committed to one another,but we don’t live together and frankly I like it that way and I think that he does too.
Our relationship works for us.
I believe that I scared him because I’d put too much pressure on myself and my mental state was suffering for it.
His mission in life is to protect me and do whatever he can to make me feel calmer and feel better, except I had sent him several messages explaining how anxious and panicked I was feeling, some of them after he’d gone to bed.
I made myself worse by reading about a celebrity’s suicide.
I am not trying to make this persons suicide about me, if this is how it sounds.
I will not name them.
I feel terribly for their family,but it triggered feelings in me and sent me to an even darker place,because I was already in an increased state of emotion.
I remembered wondering how I could do it so that it wouldn’t be messy.
My dad worked all the time.
I knew that if I did it my mom would find me and I wanted it to be as least gruesome as possible. I remember watching a movie with Mark Harmon and Jodi Foster when I was a kid and her character took her own life and looked like she was sleeping.
I wanted it to be that way.
We didn’t have anything stronger than advil in the house at the time and I didn’t want to leave my dog Buffie behind.
She anchored me and hurting her never crossed my mind.
Later after my anxiety haze had faded and I could think more clearly.
I started thinking about who I am as a person in spite of my anxiety.
In spite of my anxiety:
I am a very happy person.
I am loving.
I am giving.
I am nurturing.
I am witty.
I am fun.
I am flirty.
I am sexy.
I am a sarcastic smart-ass.lol
I am all of these things and more,but most of all I am blessed and I have so much to live for.
I told my boyfriend this, well not exactly this, but he can read it later. lol
I assured him that I would be okay and that I had no plans to go anywhere, because like anyone who reads this.
I AM MORE THAN MY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY!!!
Please remember that the bad days don’t last forever!
Don’t give into the stigma and seek treatment if you need it!